Elaboration: Verbs and Details

Elaboration: VERBS and DETAILS

Once again, we focus on improving the story through elaboration.

How did I get from this:
1
I wrecked last night. I saw a hole in bike path ahead of me. held on to my handlebars.   I tried to turn away. I kept looking at the hole. It was big. I hit the brakes. I hit the hole. I wrecked. My wheel hit the hole and stuck there. But I didn’t stop.  I flew over the handlebars.

To this:
2
Last night, I rode my bike down the river bike path. I raced along the straight section by the ash tree. Up ahead, a hole the size of a bear broke the asphalt in the bike path. I gripped my handlebars to skirt the edge where the tree roots flattened. I just kept focusing, staring at the hole. At the last minute, I squeezed the brakes. I skidded towards the pit. Thump! My front wheel hit the hole and stuck there, a dead stop. But I didn’t stop.  My body flew over the handlebars like I toss my sister's stuffed elephant behind the couch. I imagine it splats on the carpet; I know I landed splat on my back. Ouch.

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Which one brings you into the story?  Why?

I think the verbs help: here's the difference -- strong verbs [or verb forms] in bold - so the old lady screams!:

1
I wrecked last night. I saw a hole in bike path ahead of me. held on to my handlebars.   I tried to turn away. I kept looking at the hole. It was big. I hit the brakes. I hit the hole. I wrecked. My wheel hit the hole and stuck there. But I didn’t stop.  I flew over the handlebars.

2

Last night, I rode my bike down the river bike path. I raced along the straight section by the ash tree. Up ahead, a hole the size of a bear broke the asphalt in the bike path. I gripped my handlebars to skirt the edge where the tree roots flattened. I just kept focusing, staring at the hole. At the last minute, I squeezed the brakes. I skidded towards the pit. Thump! My front wheel hit the hole and stuck there, a dead stop. But I didn’t stop.  My body flew over the handlebars like I toss my sister's stuffed elephant behind the couch. I imagine it splats on the carpet; I know I landed splat on my back. Ouch.

Yes, there's a lot more detail too in the second one to elaborate with who, what, where, how, why, etc. -- I'll underline the additional details or specific words [usually nouns] here:

1
I wrecked last night. I saw a hole in bike path ahead of me. held on to my handlebars.   I tried to turn away. I kept looking at the hole. It was big. I hit the brakes. I hit the hole. I wrecked. My wheel hit the hole and stuck there. But I didn’t stop.  I flew over the handlebars.

2

Last night, I rode my bike down the river bike path. I raced along the straight section by the ash tree. Up ahead, a hole the size of a bear broke the asphalt in the bike path. I gripped my handlebars to skirt the edge where the tree roots flattened. I just kept focusing, staring at the hole. At the last minute, I squeezed the brakes. I skidded towards the pit. Thump! My front wheel hit the hole and stuck there, a dead stop. But I didn’t stop.  My body flew over the handlebars like I toss my sister's stuffed elephant behind the couch. I imagine it splats on the carpet; I know I landed splat on my back. Ouch.

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Here's a video to show these revisions of strong verbs and details happened:

Remember! Every word is important -- your word choice in verbs and details makes your writing come alive for your reader.

Share one of your best revisions in the comments below -- a strong verb and a detail.

Conversation 2

What are we doing this week?

Monday: Observation / Point of View
Tuesday: Slice of Life in Conversation
Wednesday: Conversation 2

How about a conversation between non-human objects? Imagine what your sock would say to your big toe and your shoe? Or the basketball to your hand and the court floor? Or your dull pencil to the sharpener?

Here's an example:

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I stood strong, second in line, my petals spread out to enjoy the warmth of the September sun.

"Sun," I asked, "You are sleeping earlier today."

"Yes," replied the sun. "I can't quite reach you any more when your Earth follows its path around me at its equinox."

A fluff of cumulous cloud passed across the face of the beaming sun. A shadow brought a shiver of coolness to all the coneflowers.

As the sun's rays slipped out its warming beams once again as the cloud moved on, sun added, "Excuse the interruption, and I apologize in advance of the continued shortening of my waking hours."

"But sun," I said, "If you take longer naps, my blossom will droop as my leaves dry up without your nourishing rays. I will grow old."

"Ah," sun replied. "That is part of our relationship; you will then drop your deep brown seeds into the earth and be renewed in the spring when I will meet your kin."

The evening breeze ruffled my petals.

Sun reached out, "You are preparing now for that part of our cycle. You have breathed life into the air as oxygen and gave your nectar to the bees and added beauty to the earth. You have made the world better; it is as we all should be and do."

"I have helped the world. I need to finish my journey." As one petal dropped, the sun dipped below the horizon.

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Did you follow the conversation that included science and the cycle of seasons and day to night?

You could be serious with science or history, or you could humorous. Just think of something you know about, and start writing the conversation between the objects. Jump right in the middle to get started, or set it up as I did with a picture. Can you tell which flower was speaking?

Remember to use action words and write in the moment, as if you are one of the characters now. You'll take that object's point of view, like the flower losing the warmth from the summer hours of sunshine.

Your turn!  Please share your responses with a link in the comments below.

Photo: (c) 2016 Sheri Edwards

Just a word about verbs

Verbs

No technical jargon here, just a word about verbs:  active

If you read yesterday's post, prompt, and example, you noticed that one of my writing strategies emphasizes "Strong Verbs," listing many of the verbs from the story.

Strong verbs: dropped, plopped, invited, wrapped, grabbed, gathered, giggled, opened, unwrapped, melted, slumped

What do you notice about those verbs?

The verbs represent action --- doing something.

When writing, use action verbs. Write as if you exist in the moment or a past moment.

Eliminate the dead verbs: is, are, was, were, am, be, gone, look, took, __ing

Rewrite the sentences with action verbs.

Examine the bold words so far in this post: I purposefully chose my sentence structure to include better, and stronger verbs. I did not say, "Write as if you are in the moment..."  I eliminated "are" and added "exist."

In yesterday's post, I wrote,

"Finally it was time for opening presents."  

"was," a dead verb.  This spot begs for dialogue. [I did not write, "This would be a good place for dialogue" -- "would be," represents a dead verb.] I suggest this revision:

"Girls," Melanie's mom called. "Gather in the foyer so Mel can open her presents."

 Put your reader into your story with the action inferred by dialogue -- your reader lives it with you.

Another dead verb use:

It seemed every time we moved from activity to activity...

The solution?  Drop "It seemed."

Every time we moved from activity to activity...

Another dead verb example:

I looked at a long narrow table against one wall. It was filled with chocolate chip cookies, strawberries dipped in chocolate, bowls of M&Ms and peanuts, and on the end, above a lace doily, rice crispy bars.

Transform it to:

I glanced at a long narrow table against one wall, topped with chocolate chip cookies, strawberries dipped in chocolate, bowls of M&Ms and peanuts, and on the end, above a lace doily, rice crispy bars.

Although not an easy task at first,  when you focus and practice the elimination of dead verbs, your writing grows more real and interesting. With practice, your word choice improves and your ability to write with action more easily develops.

One last example. Of the beach picture at the top of the page, how would you write a description?

On the shore was a sand castle.  [dead verb]

or

A sand castle and a blue pail called to me.    [personification]

or

A sand castle waited for further excavation.

or

A child's sand castle waited for the next wave.

Consider the verbs in your writing today. Revise for action! Your readers will love you for it!

An Idea for You: Just Write

Today, just pick up your pen and put it to paper, or open a document and hit the keyboard. Just start writing what pops into your mind.

Keep writing until an idea begins to form, then just imagine and let your thinking flow through your fingers. Keep writing. If you reach a blank just type or write the last word you wrote over and over until the mood of your mind hatches another happening to add.

Switch topics, or don't.

Just keep writing without worry for spelling or paragraphing or punctuation. 

Time yourself for three minutes.  How many words did you write or type?

Time yourself for another three minutes. Did you write or type more than before?

Repeat again.

Now look over what you wrote -- read for a possible idea, good descriptions, strong verbs, a short story, humor.  Highlight those parts.

Find a part with possibilities. Something of interest to you that you could add more detail and action, or change into a poem,  or rewrite as a song. Circle it. 

Here's an example [notice lack of punctuation and capitalization -- just getting ideas down].

I pushed and ran with Jack on the bike letting go as he found his balance proud he could take off the first time and just fly down the sidewalk until his bike edged towards the landscaped edging of the lawn; the tire stuck and stopped and Jack flew off onto the sidewalk.

Save it for another day, or if possible, begin sculpting the story: cut out what doesn't work, and dig in a detail. Refine what's good already. Don't try to be perfect or tell the whole story: just get this part penned better.   Slow down the action, and describe second by second. Here's an example:

Jack slid his leg over the bike and placed his right foot upon the petal. He nodded, his helmet firmly on, and his eyes looking straight ahead, ready to ride. 

I balanced the bike as he pushed his front pedal down, propelling himself and the bike forward. I let go of the handlebar and began running beside him, holding onto the seat, until his balance and force took control. He flew down the gray sidewalk like a pro, squealing with delight.  

I was left behind to watch this daredevil race at full speed down the sidewalk, feeling the pride he must feel in his first attempt to ride his new blue bike with no training wheels.  

Brother Bob cheered him on, and we enjoyed the seemingly perfect first ride. But then his bike edged towards the landscaped edging of the lawn, that small ditch stopping the lawn from overgrowing onto the sidewalk, just wide enough for a bike tire.  

My hands flew to cover my scream, "Watch out!" 

Jack's tire stuck in the edging which stopped the bike and sent Jack summersaulting over the handlebar and onto the sidewalk, thud. Still. 

Bob and I rushed to the unconscious five-year-old just as he came to, reaching for his bike and another daring ride.

Do you see how the short idea paragraph was expanded with details so the reader could imagine the story with the writer's words? Do you see how the action is slowed down, and details added to put the reader right into the action. Do you see all the strong verbs of action [in bold]? It's still not perfect, but it's ready for the Writers Notebook to save for another day -- to add to a story that hasn't been written yet, but whose character development has begun with one free-write.

Go ahead! Try it. Develop your fluency with Power Writing.

If you want more information on Power Writing, click here.

Share your work or a link to it in the comments below.